Why We Avoid Things That Evoke Anxiety

Avoiding Things? Why Putting Things Off Makes Anxiety Worse

You know it needs doing.

The email waiting for a reply. The phone call you have been putting off for days. The difficult conversation you know you should have. The paperwork sitting untouched on the kitchen table.

You tell yourself you'll deal with it tomorrow.

For a little while, that decision feels like a relief.

The pressure lifts. Your mind moves on to something else. You no longer have to think about it.

At least not for now.

But tomorrow arrives, and the task is still there.

Only now it feels bigger.

The original worry is joined by frustration, guilt and that nagging feeling that you're falling behind.

This is the avoidance cycle, and it is something we see regularly in therapy.

Despite what many people assume, avoidance is rarely about laziness. More often, it is an attempt to protect yourself from uncomfortable feelings.

Why Avoidance Feels Like the Easier Option

Our brains are designed to keep us safe.

When something feels stressful, uncertain or emotionally uncomfortable, your brain looks for ways to reduce that discomfort.

Sometimes that means tackling the problem.

Sometimes it means avoiding it.

The difficulty is that avoidance works in the short term.

If you decide not to make the phone call, your anxiety immediately drops.

If you put off opening the letter, you no longer have to think about what might be inside.

Your brain notices that relief and learns a simple lesson:

Avoidance makes me feel better.

The problem is that the issue itself never disappears.

Instead, it stays in the background, quietly demanding attention.

Many people find themselves carrying dozens of unfinished worries around every day. Over time, this can become exhausting and contribute to feelings of stress, anxiety and overwhelm.

What Are You Really Avoiding?

Often, people believe they are avoiding a task.

In reality, they are usually avoiding a feeling.

You might be avoiding:

• Fear of failure.
• Fear of criticism.
• Conflict.
• Disappointment.
• Embarrassment.
• Making the wrong decision.
• Feeling overwhelmed.

For example, someone avoiding their finances may not be afraid of numbers.

They may be afraid of discovering something they do not want to face.

Someone avoiding a conversation with their partner may not be avoiding communication.

They may be avoiding the possibility of conflict or rejection.

Once we understand what sits underneath the avoidance, it becomes much easier to begin changing it.

When Perfectionism Keeps You Stuck

Many people who struggle with avoidance are highly conscientious.

They care deeply about doing things properly.

They want to get things right.

They worry about making mistakes.

On the surface, those qualities sound positive.

However, perfectionism can make even simple tasks feel overwhelming.

If every decision feels important and every mistake feels unacceptable, doing nothing can start to feel safer than risking getting something wrong.

This often creates a frustrating cycle where people wait until they feel more confident before they begin.

Unfortunately, confidence rarely arrives first.

More often, confidence develops through taking action.

How Counselling Can Help

One of the benefits of counselling is that it helps you understand what is driving the avoidance.

Rather than focusing solely on behaviour, we explore the thoughts, fears and beliefs sitting underneath it.

For some people, avoidance is linked to anxiety.

For others, it stems from low self-esteem, perfectionism, burnout or previous experiences.

Understanding these patterns can be incredibly freeing.

You stop seeing yourself as someone who lacks motivation and start recognising the emotional processes that keep you stuck.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective in helping people identify and challenge the thoughts that fuel avoidance.

By changing how you think about a situation, it becomes easier to change how you respond to it.

Small Steps Make a Big Difference

When people feel overwhelmed, they often believe they need to solve everything at once.

Usually, the opposite approach works better.

Small steps create momentum.

You might try:

• The Five Minute Rule: Commit to working on something for just five minutes.
• Breaking tasks down: Focus on the next step rather than the entire project.
• Naming the emotion: Identify what you are feeling instead of immediately avoiding it.
• Scheduling tasks: Give tasks a specific time rather than leaving them on a vague to-do list.
• Challenging worst-case thinking: Ask yourself whether the feared outcome is genuinely likely.

These small changes gradually teach your brain that discomfort is manageable and that avoidance is not the only solution.

You Do Not Have to Stay Stuck

If you have been struggling with avoidance for a long time, it is understandable if you feel frustrated.

Many people do.

But avoidance is not a personality flaw.

It is a learned pattern.

And learned patterns can change.

With the right support, it is possible to reduce anxiety, build confidence and develop healthier ways of coping with stress.

If you are struggling with this, we offer face-to-face and online counselling sessions.

Sessions are booked on a session-by-session basis, with no obligation to continue.

Our fee is £68 for a full hour individual session.

You can view our therapists, check availability, and book a session directly through our website.

Taking the first step is often the hardest part. Once you take it, you are already moving forward.

Written by Sian Jones, Founder of CBT & Counselling Surrey. Sian has extensive experience helping individuals manage anxiety, stress, low mood, and other emotional challenges.